Scotch Broth
By Tom Langlands

Welcome to my new blog at Celtic Life or to use the vernacular - Greetin’s tae ane an’ aw frae Bonnie Scotland. Every month I will give you an insight into some of the things that are happening in the land of kilts and haggis and thinking of haggis, that may be a good place to start.

It came as a complete shock this week to discover that our nation’s historic mouth-watering delicacy, referred to by our illustrious national poet as the ‘Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race’, has been listed by the American food writer Eddie Lin in The Lonely Planet guide to Extreme Cuisine. Surely there has been some mistake. Alas no, for there the mighty haggis is listed alongside partially digested coffee beans, fried scorpions, juicy grubs and cod sperm to name but a few. The shock waves are rippling through kitchens from John O’Groats to Gretna Green and members of Burns Clubs all over the globe are reaching for their sgian dubhs with cries of revenge.

For those who have never tried this exquisite dish the traditional ingredients are sheep’s liver, heart and lungs chopped up with beef suet, onion, oatmeal and seasoning all wrapped up in a sheep’s stomach. My salivary glands are in overdrive at the thought. Sorry Eddie, but its sacrilegious to list this veritable ambrosia alongside maggot infested cheese and boiled udders. To the Haggis I would say ‘dinnae fash yersel’ for in the words of Burns ‘Aboon them a' ye tak your place’.

Whilst on the subject of food I’m reminded of the day this summer that I was sitting in a holiday cottage in Ullapool in the North West Highlands with my family. It was one of those extremely rare days of Scotch mist - most of the other days had been heavy rain! As a keen angler I was bemoaning the fact that I had left my insect repellent at home when I had gone fishing the previous evening. Warm, wet, and still habitats along the edge of riverbanks are good for fish and even better for that microscopic terror of the Highlands – the Scottish Midge. The consequence was that I now had to concentrate extremely hard not to scratch the numerous puncture marks so evident on my epidermis.
Wondering how it may be possible to get revenge against these blood sucking little blighters I was reminded of a television documentary that had been screened recently. It was about animals that form swarms. One particular episode had shown some type of fly that formed gigantic swarms in Africa. On one or two days in the year the swarms would sweep across the land and the sky would be so black and full of these insects that the villagers gathered them and cooked them creating protein rich flyburgers. For several days I pondered how one could collect enough midges to make a reasonable meal and how best to cook them. I considered the possibility of mobile midgeburger vans driving around the tourist hotspots offering an authentic taste of Scotland - midgeburgers and chips. For the more discerning taste I thought that whisky flavoured midge bannocks might have good export potential.

Well blow me if I didn’t pick up the newspaper a couple of weeks later to discover that a Skye housewife was asking that anyone with a midge-killing machine collect the dead bodies and send them to her. She mixes approximately 1000 midges with dripping and flour and the result is a protein rich bird food. She is continuing with her trials but requires quite literally trillions of midges. As the midge is reckoned to cost the Scottish tourist industry millions of pounds per annum in lost visits I wish her every success.

However it’s not only the mighty midge that is adversely affecting the tourist industry. It would appear that serious doubt is being cast over the health of Nessie, the deep-water resident of Loch Ness. Sightings of this legendary creature go back some 1,500 years and that means she is either very old or there is a breeding colony of monsters lurking in the depths.
Since the 1930’s when a fake photograph spawned a new dawn for Nessie there have been hundreds of reported sightings and dozens of fake photographs. During the 1960s and ‘70s sightings were at an all time high. Now they are at an all time low. There have been no reliable sightings in recent years and reported sightings are very few. Apparently, this is particularly odd given the rise in sales of digital cameras, video recorders and mobile phone cameras. Surely there are more opportunities than ever before to capture that all-important image of our beloved Nessie.

Yet those who purvey that sentiment rather miss the point and also fail to understand the psyche of this gentle giant. She is very shy. The more cameras you point at the loch the less likely she is to appear. The best sightings of Nessie are by those who didn’t have a camera to hand or were such bad photographers that they didn’t quite capture the moment. If you want to see Nessie leave the camera at home and sit alone on the banks of the loch. Try to pick a time when the light isn’t too good for, as with most underwater dwellers, she doesn’t like bright sunshine. Try a few drams of whisky, as there is strong evidence to suggest that this makes it possible to see things that are otherwise invisible. Take a haggis supper with you for sustenance but relax in the knowledge that you can leave the insect repellent at home for the midges have all been fed to the birds.
‘Till the next pot of Scotch Broth………